Updated Employee Handbook


DRESS CODE



It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If

we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we

assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a

raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money

better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need

a raise. If you dress somewhere in-between, you are right where you need

to be and therefore you do not need a raise.



SICK DAYS



We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If

you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.



PERSONAL DAYS



Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called

Saturday and Sunday.



BEREAVEMENT LEAVE



This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead

friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have

non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee

involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late

afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour

and subsequently leave one hour early.



RESTROOM USE



Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a

strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,

an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door

will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your

picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic

Offenders" category.



LUNCH BREAK



Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that

they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to

get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5

minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim

Fast.



THANK YOU!



Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a

positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,

concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,

insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation,

and input should be directed elsewhere.



Have a nice week!



THE MANAGEMENT